“No” is a complete response. I had the great pleasure of spending sometime this week with a friend and colleague, Deborah Siegel, PhD. While talking with Deborah, she shared something amazing. She said she has a place in her office where she marks down when she says ‘no.’ So why is saying no a big deal? Because most of us, especially women, struggle with saying ‘no’, and saying no without having to explain why, etc. The ramifications can be significant when we fail to draw, and stick to the boundaries we need to be successful on our own terms. Here is a perfect example involving my own lapse. I over committed in the last few months. Some of the stuff I committed to I love and would do anytime I was asked. Some of it was because I felt I ‘should’ even though time wise I knew it would mean 4am or 5am starts to the work day and 11pm ends to the work day. What happened was due to being over committed, over worked, and under rested I began to slip up on things. Specifics…The May TEDx event I organized and ran required a lot of work pre, during and post event work with caterers, budgets, social media, ticket sales, accounting, speakers, etc. I LOVED doing that event, and deeply enjoyed the speakers that come on board. Being over committed I was not able to fully entrench myself the way I wanted to. Also updating TEDx web site required text often happened prior to 5am or after 10pm, or even on the fly via my cell phone, not ideal. And yes, I did it at 100 mph and managed to misspell one of the speaker’s name, not only in the original program for the event, but also on the TEDx video bio. I guarantee you this would not have happened if I had not over committed to things that really weren’t as meaningful and/or valuable. I got lucky, the speaker, Katy Hansell, caught it prior to the program going to print, and on the web site, which I then updated. Even luckier for me, is Katy is truly a generous person and made me feel like I was not an idiot for screwing it up. But we all know that doesn’t always happen, and very often people will zoom in on the 1% you missed rather than the 99% amazing stuff you got done. All this is to say, saying ‘no’ not only supports you, your mission, your business/employer, your family, etc. by empowering you to give your best, it is also a necessary thing to do. The word “no” does not require an explanation, nor does it need to involve feeling bad. One of the greatest lies in our culture is that we should be able to do everything, all the time and be the most amazing person in the history of the world at it. WRONG. You should do what you do best, and leave the other stuff to someone else who can do it best. Saying ‘no’ not only helps you up your game, it allows someone else to shine with the opportunity you are turning down. And yes, I am now proudly tracking when I say ‘no.’ Want to check out the two amazing women noted in this post? Visit Deborah Siegel, PhD, she does amazing things, by clicking here. And visit Katy Hansell, who also does amazing things by clicking here.
Venting vs. Full Blown Toxic Behavior-Build Your Mental Blanket Fort
As human beings we all have moments when we feel overwhelmed or perhaps slighted. This is normal and healthy and a positive as it is proof you are paying attention to your own life. But there is a line, and it is not a fine one, between venting and being toxic. Toxic behavior obviously impacts the team, and obviously impacts you if you are the source. The difference between being toxic or just plain venting and blowing off steam is easy to determine. Venting is brief and there is an immediate shift in how you feel once you complete your vent. Venting is triggered by a specific event. Venting usually has a compact timeline, as in, incident, internalizing, venting, moving on. And if you can read people, they don’t shudder when they know you are about to vent, meaning you are not spewing your negativity all over them, your are instead just processing. In contrast, toxic behavior is ongoing, full throttle, spewing negativity and is often accompanied by the thought that everyone is never going to be as good as you and/or as you need them to be. This pattern is often accompanied by the feeling that you are the only one that can do things right. While we don’t go to work to make friends we do have professional peers. An indicator that you may be toxic is if your professional network of support is either limited or non-existent. Basically, does anyone want to be around you if they don’t have to? Do your professional peers find value in interacting with you? Venting is healthy, being toxic is not. Bottom line, toxic behavior is just that, a behavior. It is a choice and you can decide to re-route the patterns and thought processes leading you down the path. Chances are we have all been toxic at some point. I’ve stood on the edge of it myself recently. Fortunately for me I had a peer to vent to, and he had the good humor to listen and advise that if we could bring blanket forts into the workplace we would all be happier. Perfect example of venting, re-routing and moving on! There is a dynamic that makes it hard to move on from a vent. When the workplace, not just a single person becomes toxic. That is another story for another day. But until then, build and reside in your mental blanket fort and start your pro/con list of staying or going.
Dear Control Freak
Dear Control Freak…This is not a judgement, but a confession. I use to be a control freak. The whole giant amalgamation of every stereotype that comes with the term. I wanted to control time, outcomes, visions, dynamics, etc. I like to look back and think to myself, ‘how adorable you thought that controlling everything was possible or productive.’ Is wanting to have control understandable? Absolutely. Is it productive? No. Does it lead to the best outcomes? No. Why? Several reasons, and here they come… You are not a mighty fortress, no matter what you think. Process is an organic activity and if you try to control it all by yourself you will fail. You will fail on so many levels it would make a clown cry. One, you fail yourself as control eliminates your perspective to actively balance your own life. It also limits the incoming flow of knowledge you have access to, as well as the potential for growth, as you will most likely feel you already have things under control. You will fail your business/employer by placing limits on outcomes forcing them into the realm of your desired picture. You will fail those who have to collaborate with you as they will no longer provide their “A” game, knowing it will not matter as you will shape outcomes the way you want to. You will fail your friends and family on multiple levels as they will see less of you while you are busy being master of the universe, as well as, you are probably limiting their potential on some level when you are around. What will you get from being a control freak? All the blame, as no one else has a claim to the input on a project that fails. And perhaps even something like high blood pressure. And of course that golden moment when it all comes tumbling down and you have to admit to yourself that you, along with the rest of us, really have no control after all. The good news, what you do have is the capacity to deliver your best day to day efforts and know that is enough, without having to have control.
How To Be Professional
How to be professional… Workplaces can be full of all types of thinking, both good and bad. The challenge with over 75% of the national workforce being unhappy at their current jobs comes when you see how that spirals out throughout the workplace dynamic/culture. So how do you protect yourself and remain professional in a world that has a large percentage of disengaged workers? I suggest two things. One, if you do not hold the target, the arrow will be less likely to come your way. That is to say, your integrity is what you have going into and leaving a job, guard it and don’t open yourself up to the engagement of counter-productive activity. Two, focus on facts and quality within your workplace, and the specifics of your job. Don’t get distracted. Facts and quality are solid. Regardless of workplace politics facts and quality are two items that will support your integrity day in and day out. The bottom line here is people on average don’t enjoy a negative atmosphere, but do often participate in it. So note to self, you can’t change what you feed.
The Positive Impact Of Complaining
As for the positive impact of complaining…there is none. There are positive outcomes to constructive feedback, offering alternatives, and/or taking ownership of a potential new course of action. I’m not saying that your life is happy, joyful, fun-filled all the time as we know this is not the case. I am saying framing action addressing the less desirable components of your life and/or job, is an amazing step and opportunity to add more fun, joy and happy into it.
Best Advice Ever
The following is a short clip from “The Office” which breaks down to the basics what we often forget. Follow this advice and you are on your way to great things! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bVVsDIv98TA&feature=related